Tag Archives: family

march 15: compromises, janus, and jackie chan

My personal epiphany for today requires some hypothetical backstory:

Imagine a person with two faces. We’ll call him Janus. You grow up knowing and loving one face like a child loves her parent, but you don’t know that the other face exists. Maybe you’ve glimpsed it before, but it’s part of the same body as the other face and you don’t see the difference. When you grow up, you realize Janus had two faces this whole time. And that you can’t stand this other face when it comes out: it’s rude, arrogant, loud, histrionic, boastful. It’s mean to your mom. Can you still love Janus? Should you still love Janus? Is it possible to love one face and not the other? Or must you love both faces in order to truly love the first face?

Part of me believes that to love someone, you must love all parts of them. As a result, I wouldn’t be able to love any part of Janus because the existence of his other face detracts from the goodness of his first face. You must love the second face as well, in order to love Janus. Once I discovered the second face, I could not love Janus, even if I loved the first more than anything in the world. Even when I saw and spoke to the first face, I could no longer act friendly or value anything it said. How could I love something that acts so inconsistently? How could I react in two different ways towards the same person? I want to love the first face, but the other face ruins it.

Those were my thoughts yesterday. But late last night and today, I realized I could compromise. What if I wanted to spend the day with Janus, playing chess, watching movies, eating ice cream, talking about philosophy? But instead of his first face, his second face comes out. Should I get mad at Janus? Should I shun his company the next time I see his first face, because he disappointed me? I was upset because I was looking forward to Janus’ company. I really do love Janus, and I want to love the first face no matter how much the second poisons our relationship.

Last thought: I wonder if the second face of Janus now makes me appreciate his first face more in comparison, even though at first it made me reject Janus himself and act coldly towards him?

Spring Break update: I watched “Shanghai Noon” with my dad today, and like with most Jackie Chan movies, I wasn’t disappointed! It was silly, had some witty lines, great characters, and awesome fight scenes. I highly recommend it!

march 13: train delays and psychic stress

What I tell boyf when the train has major delays: “Boyf!!!! I might not see you for an HOUR LATER than I planned to DDD: there’s a FIRE EXPLOSION on the tracks and the train has stopped moving!!

What I tell my mom:
“On the train, some delays but it’s all good!”

I should talk to myself the way I talk to my mom when I don’t want her to worry. It’s definitely more reasonable. The train is finally moving now!

PS There’s been a guy sleeping next to me this whole time. Not sure if he knew the train had ever stopped, ‘cause he’s sure not phased by it!

march 12: Reflective writing, WordPress prompt, and hump day

I woke up in a bad mental mood this morning, feeling stressed and worried about stuff going on. Before going to the hairdresser’s with my mom, I grabbed my sketchbook and pen. In the waiting room, I doodled the shiny black heels and red hairdo of one of the stylists, then began to write. I instinctively undervalue reflective writing because it’s not like I can use it as a writing sample on a resume, or use it to practice essay-writing skillz for academia, but it’s definitely the type of writing I’ve done the most (discounting school assignments). It’s usually very personal, so I’m not comfortable sharing it, and it’s honest, so it’s not necessarily flattering for me xD. I wrote about a moment that seemed to be the root of a lot of anxiety, missing description and analysis as different parts of the memory came to mind. I realized that the moment itself didn’t bother as much as all the worries it triggered. When the hairdresser called me up, I had learned a bit more about myself. It was a mini-epiphany!

I wonder if reflective writing and an analysis paper based on personal experience are the same thing? I think reflective writing is more free-writing that isn’t necessarily edited into a final product and shared. One stems from the other.

But some days I just wake up in a bad mood, which (like most things) doesn’t last forever.

I recommend recalling something that brings a lot of emotional baggage when it visits your mind, and writing about it. I also recommend eating tortilla chips with marinara sauce and playing chess with someone for fun.

Lastly, it’s Wednesday! Midway through vacation. I’m learning html, I played a game of chess with my dad, and I hung out with my mom.